Where Have You Been?!

I hope you sang the title of this blog to the tune of Rihanna's song by the same name. If not, rewind and come back after doing so. It's only right.

It has been 3 months and some change since I last posted a blog. Why is that? I haven't been short on inspiration. Topics float around in my head all day, every day. I talk with my boyfriend about potential blog posts on a regular basis. He always ends these conversations urging me to "type it up and post it on your blog." So why haven't I been doing it? I'm not relying on the lame excuse that "I’ve been busy.” My work schedule has been crazy for the past 2 years and that can’t be to blame for 3 months without posts. I’ve been in good enough health, especially considering that I haven’t missed much time from work or travel. I have a ton of drafted blog posts sitting in the queue with a paragraph of my thoughts, some even longer.

I love the creative process; thinking up fresh ideas, bringing these ideas to life, and looking at the finished product in awe. I'm not a parent so I'm not sure if it's close enough to the joy they feel when watching their children grow and thrive, but I'd venture to say that it's pretty close. Even with all of the joy the process brings, the fear of how my thoughts will be perceived has been crippling lately. After all of my preaching about the importance of pursuing your passion, breathing life into your ideas, moving beyond the fear of failure, and other brilliantly positive things I've posted about in the past, here I am. I don’t like this place. The transition back into the groove of writing after so long has me in an uncomfortable headspace. It’s tough to even find the vocabulary to explain this feeling. It’s similar to the feeling we’ve all been faced with. Think back to having to explain why you missed curfew to your parents as a kid. I have to laugh at the notion, but it’s so true. I’ve spent every weekday at a keyboard typing away at work, thinking about my blog, producing a mile long list of excuses why the topics I’ve been mulling over “just aren’t good enough.”

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that one of my greatest fears is the possibility of producing something so amazing… and not being able to follow up with something equally amazing, or even more so. I fear being a one-hit wonder or worse, an artist with a great body of work followed by a mediocre at best sequel like *insert name of an artist with their second album flop*. What if I have this magical revolution and then nothing?! The notion has haunted me for three, long months. I’ve wrestled with my instinct to just “type it up and post it on [my] blog," along with this madness that cautions me that my creativity could fall short just when things have begun to sparkle. I know it’s crazy. What might be equally crazy is that just as I paused my blogging ventures, I began vlogging in the hopes that it would push me even further off the deep end and beyond this fear. Though there definitely was a learning curve with the new technology, video editing, the production and filming, and all of the things I didn’t anticipate. What should’ve taken me a matter of weeks to resolve has been in the works for 3 whole months. Most of the time, I was stalled by the fact that I was not totally confident in my content or its format.

I have so much admiration for “YouTubers” and dedicated Vloggers. It’s tough and forces you to confront your insecurities head on. The amount of vulnerability and guts necessary to vlog is so I’ve never torn myself apart in the way that I have in the editing process. I may have been overly critical of the little things like my THICK, Southern accent and inclination to bridge the space between words, making sentences one long word without a breath/break/pause in between. How many of my Southerners can relate?? I was so nervous when I started recording my voice-overs, evidenced by nervous laughter I decided not to edit out completely. I must’ve recorded things over and over again, ten times over, thanks to one of my rediscovered coping mechanisms: eye rolling. I laughed so hard thinking back to my childhood when my mom would call me out for being extra sassy with reckless eye rolls. My eyes were lethal then and they're lethal now.

This entire process has bombarded me with opportunities to embrace myself and my natural quirks (try as I might to conceal it, this accent always shines through), and even more opportunities to learn by doing. Moving forward, I know what vlogs recapping an experience entail. I know the time needed to complete the process from start to finish. I’m really excited to switch things up and vlog on site with future excursions and to have friends featured in my traveling adventures.

I'm posting the first vlog this Saturday, March 30, 2019, on my YouTube Channel "Thoughtful Dozen," and though I'm still on pins and needles about it, I know it's time to release it. There are still details I'm working through, all the while refusing to allow anxiety to pull me back to a place where my productivity is stunted for months. I’m excited about using YouTube as a medium to engage more with you all following my journey with TTBD and hope that it helps us to connect and communicate more smoothly. I'll be sure to upload everything here for accessibility.

Thanks for reading.