Shinin' x4 (Yeah)

I had a conversation with a friend today that I hope resonates with all of you within the TTBD Community (Yep, all 200, 763 of you... Name and claim it right...?! LOL). Have you ever been so disappointed in the outcome of a situation that you immediately began to question what you could've done differently for the sake of a more favorable, hypothetical outcome? You may have found yourself combing through all of the details in your mind, replaying moments over and over and over again, searching throughout the recesses of your brain for some comforting reason why things didn't go as you hoped. The unfortunate thing about focusing too much energy on this extended debriefing, especially in the case of situations where you weren't empowered to influence the outcome, is that this often puts you in a dizzying cycle of bereavement for a consolation prize never to be savored, followed by negative self-talk and resentment. All that taxing work, spinning back the wheels of time in your head, and subjecting yourself to multiple reality checks where the circumstances have not changed can only be beneficial if you know you didn't act with the best of intentions initially and thus need to modify your behavior moving forward. Even so, that's not always the case. Some things are just not for you, and inversely, you're not for some things. It sucks at the moment but you should be excited about the fact that it can only mean that something far greater is looking for you just as intently as you are searching for it.

I know at least one person is scratching their head after reading the paragraph above thinking, "I'm not sure I follow," but truly, if you've yet to experience any of this before, then I'm happy to pass on a pearl of wisdom overused in my family: "Just keep livin' [and you'll understand]." At the risk of sounding "preachy," I'm saying that I'd like to believe every disappointing, unfavorable outcome, whether it be a friendship gone bad, a professional misstep, or even a health scare, is a reminder that your identity is not wrapped up in circumstances or situations. You are good with or without the insulating circumstances. You are brilliant no matter what narrative others paint of you. Praise and applause are always nice but can we sustain our self-worth in the absence of these pleasantries? Most of us enjoy being complimented and uplifted, but can we overcome being chastised and get beyond others' attempts to break us?

So many of my "NO's" in life have been about redirecting me and narrowing my focus. Though I wasn't emotionally steady enough following all of these scenarios, I'm so grateful to now have the benefit of a broader perspective affording me the line of sight to find the blessing in every single NO I've collected on my life's journey thus far (I feel like such a big girl just thinking about some of them). Some REALLY hurt. Like when I'd all but planned out every detail of my 4 years at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill during my college visit. I'd decided which dorm I'd live in my freshman year, which specialized major and minor suited my career trajectory and what my life would "feel" like there. As you all very well know (or at least you should from reading past blog entries), I didn't attend UNC. They didn't give me a graceful NO initially; instead, they left me holding on to a thin shred of hope as I dangled on their waitlist, where I sat waiting and emailing Admissions Counselors weekly like the diligent student I was, only to have a delayed NO to finish me off. I know, #firstworldproblems. If I'd chosen to focus on that NO, my acceptance letters from 6 other schools would've amounted to nothing (yes, this eager beaver applied to 10 colleges... Brown, Duke, and Emory also waitlisted me or said NO). Thankfully, I can celebrate that devastating NO as I reflect on four, amazing years at Vanderbilt. Somehow that major loss became a major win in my life's story.

Another set of NO's that could've taken me clean, smoooooth out came from the many employers I applied with after graduating from Vandy as a green grad with high hopes that my internships and eclectic work history coupled with my charm would land me any job I so much as breathed in the direction of. It was a hard reality check. I wasn't sure what I'd done incorrectly at that point. I felt like I'd done everything expected of me. I went to school and I was involved in different clubs with elected positions to boot; I had several people check my resumes and cover letters and emails and responses to questionaries before I sent them off. I had letters of recommendation from professors and past supervisors. I was confident, maybe even a touch cocky.

After MONTHS of NO after NO after NO after NO after NO (well you get the picture by now) and the sad reality check of being a literal drain on my families' finances, I surrender to the understanding that I needed to refocus my aim. My seemingly permanent circumstances were like a pressurized vacuum, forcing me to collide with questions concerning my life's purpose. I was in this sort of limbo where I felt hurt and resentful. Worst of all, my confidence would peak only when my circumstances seemed to take an upturn only to crash to nearly nothing when circumstances didn't pan out over time. It was an abusive cycle and I hadn't realized months in that I was my own abuser. Though I was certain at least one of the 5 jobs I applied to that week was given to someone's brainless nephew, because nepotism is the easiest scapegoat, I wasn't keen on what I stood to gain from the experiences. Honestly, I hadn't considered there was anything to gain from it other than a job. That was my only goal; to find a thing to attach myself to that would validate my worth. I wanted so badly to have the chance to say, "I'm Alex, the Assistant Director of Community Engagement with a fancy company that pays me my weight in gold, thus lending me the sense of security I need to sleep soundly at night." It was all I thought about. What a sad, lesser existence. I'm grateful my YES and gratification would be delayed, pending my self-work. I know my hands weren't able to grab the first couple of opportunities that came my way due in part to the fact that I would've become content with them, not even considering that something more challenging, and likely better suited to prepare me for my life's work, awaited me. I now know for a fact that I wasn't ready for any of that. I was only ready to earn an honest living.

Y'all know I love me some Beyonce, so any ole excuse to quote her will do:

"Money don't make me happy

And a fella can't make me fancy

We smilin' for a whole 'nother reason

It's all smilin' through all four seasons

Shinin', shinin', shinin', shinin', yeah

All of this winnin', I've been losin' my mind, yeah

Oh, hold on

Don't try to

Slow me down"

Fall victim to your insecurities and you'll be taking a page out of Solange's book:

"I ran my credit card up

Thought a new dress make it better

I tried to work it away

But that just made me even sadder

I tried to keep myself busy

I ran around circles

Think I made myself dizzy

I slept it away, I sexed it away

I read it away"

We shine, not because of the luxuries we collect all around us, but rather regardless of it all, and in spite of the crappy things designed to clutter our view. There are some people out there with far more disadvantages than you, yet more often than not, you catch them smiling like life's this grand adventure full of wonder. I've said all of this to say that you can't truly shine if the light doesn't come from within. If you're out here depending on Entergy/MLGW/your local utility provider for your glow, what are you going to do at the first sign of stormy weather? Sure, you can buy a generator, some flashlights, batteries, a kerosine lantern, some candles, and a ton of matches, but at the end of the day, all of those things could fail you and no matter how creative you get, without a fire lit within you, you are immobilized. You can only fake the funk for so long before life puts you in that pressurized vacuum and reveals where you will fold. If you feel that pressure right now, take stock of the world around you and ask yourself the rudimentary questions: Who am I? What am I? Why am I? Follow these up with a series of 13 why's until you're so far down the rabbit hole that only your big brain and riddle its way out.

Think of the pressing issues in the world around you and what talents you possess as a solution to at least one of them. Work on your confidence with a personalized Mantra meant to remind you of the source of your self-worth. I'm not writing this in the hopes that it will convince you that I have all of this figured out. I'm still working through my own life with all of my quirks. I love learning from you guys. Let me know how you all get through majorly bummed out lows and fight the urge to hang your hat on the sky highs. I look forward to reading all about it as you keep the conversation going in the comments below.

"Nothing can dim the light that shines from within." - Maya Angelou

Thanks for reading.